Focus – What is that?

Focus, what is that?  Lately, well honestly, for a long time, for as long as I can remember, I have had a hard time remaining focused.  I have thoughts that race around just wanting to do it all and see it all.  I love traveling, even if it is to a neighboring town, to try to see different things or capture something I see all the time, through my lens in a creative way.  But all the drive home, thinking about what to create when I get there.  Even right now, while writing this, I am having a really hard time…I just feel like my brain is going to explode.  It can be so overwhelming at times, but trust me if I’m not creating it is 500 times worse.  While creating, I focus on that for the brief time that a creation requires…but then the whirlwind is back, my mind is back to 100 mph.

I have a strong need for organization, but sometimes, my crafting area, can become as chaotic as my brain.  I recently found some treasures in my attic, 3 tall sets of rubbermaid drawers.  They were perfect to get everything in its place.  Sometimes organizing helps slow it all down, while just for a moment, but the moments I embrace with joy.

I jump from designing t-shirts, to stamping necklaces, to making earrings, maybe throw in a little party planning, photography, and cooking.  Oh forgot about bird watching, cake decorating, painting signs or refinishing furniture. Sometimes, I wonder how I can keep going…but its almost as though my body has to keep up with my brain.  Running also used to be a hobby of mine.

I had back fusion surgery September 2018, and that made me retire my running shoes.  Well actually I was sidelined for about 10 months before the surgery, but had to hope to be able to one day return.  Now after the surgery, I fear that I may never be able to run again.  While that would be OK if it meant the pain would go away, but the pain remains and that means the running can no longer help slow my brain down some.  I would turn on some praise music and spend time running.  After running, feeling accomplished and amazingly calm. 

While traveling, I like to try not necessarily exotic foods, but the same foods in different places to see who has the best.  Then I come home and try to recreate the dish.  Then if its beautiful, it must be photographed…otherwise I chalk it up as a valiant effort and enjoy the flavors.

At this point, I have re-read this post about 20 times, wanting it to make sense, but the lack of congruence, may help you see what I deal with everyday.  Bouncing around from thing to thing.

I am going to try to use my lack of focus and just share with you all…a little piece of what goes on in this head of mine.  I want to try to help someone, teach someone, or point someone in the right direction.

Lastly, to maybe make sense of all my nonsensical explanations, I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Anxiety.  I am not ashamed and the illnesses do not define me, but they definitely affect many aspects of my life.


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